The holidays are often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and tradition, but for many people with CPTSD or other family-related trauma, they can also be filled with stress, triggers, and overwhelming emotions. The pressure to participate in family gatherings can feel heavy, especially when difficult dynamics or unresolved issues are at play.

However, the key to navigating the holidays isn’t just enduring them—it’s finding ways to protect and care for yourself during this challenging time. Whether you choose to attend family events or not, this guide will help you create a plan that prioritizes your emotional well-being.

1. Set Your Intention

Start by identifying why you’re considering attending a family gathering. Is it out of obligation, tradition, or a genuine desire to connect? Knowing your “why”; can help you frame the rest of your decisions. If the motivation stems from external pressure or guilt, it might be worth reevaluating.

2. Assess Your Emotional Triggers

Take some time to reflect on your past experiences. Which family members or situations have triggered difficult emotions? Being aware of these triggers allows you to prepare mentally and emotionally before stepping into a challenging environment.

3. Set Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential, especially when dealing with potentially triggering or toxic family dynamics. Think about what emotional, time-related, and financial boundaries you want to establish. For example, decide how long you want to stay, what conversations or topics are off-limits for you, and how much you’re willing to spend on gifts or travel.

4. Have a Self-Care Plan

Self-care isn’t just something to think about after the holidays. Plan it into your holiday experience. This might include scheduling time for yourself, having a trusted friend or therapist to debrief with, and practicing mindfulness or grounding techniques during the event itself. Taking breaks from the gathering to go for a walk or spend time alone can also be a form of self-preservation.

5. Decide if Attending is Right for You

It’s important to remember that as an adult, you are not obligated to attend any family function. The idea that you must show up, even if it’s harmful to your mental health, is often a remnant of childhood patterns or toxic family dynamics. Take a moment to reflect on whether attending this year is truly in your best interest. If it’s not, permit yourself to say no without guilt.

6. Communicate Your Boundaries in Advance

If you do decide to attend, consider communicating some of your boundaries ahead of time. This can help manage expectations and reduce potential tension during the event. For example, you might let family members know how long you’ll be staying, what topics you’d prefer not to discuss, or any other limits you’ve set for yourself.

7. Prepare for In-the-Moment Triggers

Even with the best planning, you may encounter emotionally charged moments during the holiday gathering. When this happens, having coping strategies in place can make all the difference. Breathing exercises, taking a moment of solitude, or stepping outside can help you reset if emotions become overwhelming.

8. Understanding Healthy Intergenerational Relationships

As adults, we are no longer obligated to fulfill roles we played in childhood, especially within dysfunctional family systems. Healthy intergenerational relationships are based on mutual respect and autonomy, not guilt or pressure. You have the right to choose how to engage with family members—and that includes choosing not to engage if it’s harmful to you. Many of us grew up with the message that we “owe”; our families our time or presence during the holidays. However, it’s important to recognize emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping or shaming, when it happens. It’s not your responsibility to protect the feelings of family members at the cost of your own mental health.

Remember: you have a choice. You are allowed to prioritize yourself and your well-being.

The holidays can be hard, but with clear intentions, boundaries, and a solid self-care plan, they don’t have to be unbearable. You are not obligated to participate in traditions that harm you, and choosing to protect your peace is a valid and important decision.