The holidays often bring a mix of joy, nostalgia, and stress. Between family traditions, social obligations, and our own expectations, emotions can run high—and boundaries, both with others and ourselves, can blur. As we gather with loved ones, it’s essential to remember this grounding truth: we are not responsible for how others experience us, only for how we react to their emotions and behaviors.

This holiday season, let’s focus on fostering curiosity and genuine connection while staying rooted in self-awareness and emotional boundaries. Drawing inspiration from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, this article explores practical ways to manage holiday emotions, strengthen relationships, and honor yourself.

The Emotional Landscape of the Holidays

Holidays are rich with emotional complexity. While they can inspire warmth and togetherness, they also highlight unresolved tensions or unmet expectations within families. Brené Brown reminds us that understanding our emotions—and the emotions of those around us—is the first step toward meaningful connection. Below are several emotions that may arise during the holidays:

Common Holiday Emotions:

1. Joy: The pleasure of being surrounded by loved ones.

2. Gratitude: Appreciation for moments of connection.

3. Stress: Overwhelm from juggling responsibilities or navigating dynamics.

4. Disappointment: Sadness when expectations for the “perfect holiday” aren’t met.

5. Vulnerability: The emotional exposure we feel when sharing openly or receiving criticism.

6. Nostalgia: A bittersweet longing for the past, often tied to holiday traditions.

7. Loneliness: Feeling disconnected even in a room full of people.

8. Resentment: Bitterness when contributions or boundaries are unacknowledged.

9. Hope: Optimism about the potential for connection or resolution.

10. Guilt: Regret over not meeting others’ expectations or your own.

By naming these emotions, we can approach them with curiosity rather than reactivity, allowing us to navigate the season with greater ease.

The Power of Emotional Curiosity

Emotional curiosity—the practice of exploring emotions with openness and non-judgment—is key to strengthening relationships. When we replace assumptions or advice-giving with genuine curiosity, we create a safe space for connection. Anything less than curiosity—such as advice-giving, problem-solving, or defensiveness—can inadvertently shut down conversations and push people further apart.

Why Advice-Giving Isn’t Helpful

Advice-giving, though often well-intentioned, can:

• Invalidate Feelings: It suggests the other person’s emotions need to be “fixed.”

• Shift Focus: It centers your perspective rather than their experience.

• Control the Narrative: It subtly communicates, “I know better,” which can feel dismissive.

Instead of offering solutions, lean into curiosity. Curiosity keeps the focus on the other person’s experience and encourages deeper connection.

Examples of Emotional Curiosity in Action

Here are ways to approach a loved one with curiosity instead of judgment or control:

Scenario 1: A family member says something critical.

• Advice-Giving: “Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive. It’s just a joke.”

• Curiosity: “It sounds like you’re upset. Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”

Scenario 2: A partner is frustrated with holiday plans.

• Advice-Giving: “Just let it go—it’s not a big deal.”

• Curiosity: “What’s been the most stressful part about this for you?”

Curiosity Questions to Foster Connection:

1. “What’s the hardest part of this for you?”

2. “Can you tell me more about what you need right now?”

3. “How can I support you in this moment?”

When You Struggle to Stay Curious

Sometimes, we can’t access curiosity because we’re triggered or taking someone else’s feelings personally. It’s natural to feel defensive or overwhelmed, but staying stuck in that state can harm relationships. Here’s what to do when you find yourself in this situation:

1. Pause and Self-Regulate

Before responding, take a moment to check in with yourself. Use grounding techniques such as deep breathing or counting to 10 to regain composure.

Example: A parent criticizes your parenting choices. Instead of reacting defensively, pause, take a breath, and remind yourself: Their opinion is not my responsibility.

2. Separate Yourself from the Emotion

Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. Their feelings are about their perceptions, expectations, and experiences—not your worth. Use affirmations like:

• “I am responsible for my reactions, not their emotions.”

• “Their feelings don’t define who I am.”

3. Revisit the Situation with Curiosity Later

If you can’t be curious in the moment, it’s okay to revisit the conversation when you’re calmer.

For example, you could say:

• “Earlier, I felt defensive. Can we talk again? I want to better understand how you’re feeling.”

Honoring Boundaries During the Holidays

Boundaries are essential for navigating family dynamics and honoring your own well-being. Brené Brown defines boundaries as “what’s okay and what’s not okay,” both in how others treat us and how we treat ourselves.

Tips for Setting Boundaries:

1. Clarify Your Limits: Know what’s acceptable for you (e.g., how much time you can spend at a gathering).

2. Communicate Assertively: Use “I” statements to express your boundaries clearly (e.g., “I need to leave by 8 PM to rest for tomorrow.”).

3. Follow Through Consistently: Uphold your boundaries even if others push back.

Example of a Boundary in Action:

Scenario: A family member insists you stay longer than planned.

Boundary Statement: “I love spending time with you, but I need to leave by 8 PM. Let’s make the most of the time we have together.”

Strengthening Connection Through Empathy

Empathy builds bridges between us by validating emotions and offering support without judgment. Brené Brown distinguishes empathy from sympathy:

• Sympathy: “I feel sorry for you.”

• Empathy: “I understand what you’re feeling, and I’m here with you.”

Empathy-Building Prompts:

1. “What’s weighing on your mind right now?”

2. “I can see how hard this is for you. How can I support you?”

Making Room for Yourself

While prioritizing connection is important, so is honoring your own needs. The holidays can be emotionally draining, making self-compassion and rest essential.

Self-Care Practices:

• Emotional Check-Ins: Pause throughout the day to ask, “What am I feeling, and what do I need?”

• Gratitude Practice: Reflect on three things you’re grateful for each day.

• Alone Time: Schedule time to recharge, even if it’s just a 10-minute walk.

Holiday Connection Worksheet

To help you apply these concepts, here’s a fun, interactive worksheet to explore emotions, boundaries, and connection during the holidays:

As you navigate the holiday season, remember that emotional curiosity, empathy, and boundaries are powerful tools for fostering meaningful connection and maintaining self-respect. When you struggle to stay curious, pause and return to the conversation when you’re ready. You are not responsible for how others experience you—but you can choose how you show up, respond, and connect. By staying curious and compassionate, you create space for joy, understanding, and growth.

Happy Holidays!